![]() ![]() The first act is comprised almost entirely of Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) trying to thwart assassination attempts on Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman), which include a lot of extended action sequences designed to show off far too much of the film’s unconvincing CGI. ![]() George Lucas has always been a better composer of images than phrases, but his efforts here are utterly embarrassing, especially during long stretches of plot which require the dialogue to be either deathly serious or hopelessly romantic, neither of which are modes he’s able to work in. This overcompensatory atmosphere is complemented by a significant downturn in the quality of both writing and acting, which is impressive considering that neither was exactly at a premium in the previous instalment. Among them are the welcome sidelining of Jar Jar Binks, the aging of Anakin Skywalker, and the growing of Obi-Wan’s beard. We might as well start at the beginning, which is where the film begins to unveil a showcase of perceived corrections to the many ills of The Phantom Menace, which is nonetheless a better, more charming film by a considerable margin. Since I lack the means by which to expunge Attack of the Clones from Star Wars canon and the heart to commit such a brazen act of continuity vandalism even if I was able to, my only recourse is to mock the film instead – an easy task, if not an intellectually fulfilling one. And while it would be better for everyone if it was taken outside and given both barrels, it’s kinder to the kids just to let nature run its course. This is to say that Attack of the Clones is the incontinent dog of the Star Wars mythology. It’s a bit like having an old, beloved family pet, let’s say a dog, but the dog is very ill, and while you don’t wish it dead because you’ve had it a long time and shared many fond memories with it, you secretly do hope it dies because it’s becoming a real nuisance, constantly emptying it’s bilious bowels onto the carpet and dragging its rear end across the lounge as if to underscore the point. ![]() That having been said, despite my general hatred of the thing, I nonetheless grudgingly acknowledge that some of its sequences are integral to Star Wars lore, and I’m the kind of dork who respects the sanctity of such things. That’s an unpleasant image to begin with, but there’s no better place for it than a review of Attack of the Clones. ![]()
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